It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
