Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
