i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
