My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
