I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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