did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Is it because I queefed?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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