and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
