This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize