I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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