Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
