if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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