At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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