Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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