Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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