u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
