Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
