I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
