we made out on top of his cat.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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