the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
