Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
