I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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