so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
