god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
