On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize