I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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