Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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