Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
