my phone needs a breathalizer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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