I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
