i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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