All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
