I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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