i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
