So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
