I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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