Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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