It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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