shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
