The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
