thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
