Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
