No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
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