Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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