"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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