Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
