I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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