Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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