6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
