nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
