just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
