I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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