He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
