TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
