Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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