Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
