I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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