he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize