he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
